Eleanor: 0:00

don't say that out loud, or what you just said was so stupid. I can't believe that. Why did you say that? And it would be playing? Or just you know somebody else could say it better?

Eleanor: 0:13

Hello everybody, and welcome to our shame free Sundays series. This is a part of our podcast, a Better Way to Heal, where Faith Meets Therapy. We talk a lot about shame on this series. Shame is that inner critic that never lets you rest, that voice that says I'm not enough, no one could ever love me, I'm damaged, I'm defective. Before we dive in today, I just want to ask you have you ever had any of those thoughts? Well, I created a free shame quiz to help you get some clarity, to find out if you're struggling. So just head on over to EleanorBrownCounselingcom. Slash shame-quiz-freebie. Don't worry, I know it's a mouthful. The link is in the show notes.

Eleanor: 1:04

Join me and Harmony as we explore the intricacies of shame and how it impacts your life. We're going to look at how faith and therapy come together to help us understand what's healthy and what's not, and how to walk in freedom. Hello everybody, my name is Eleanor Brown, most people call me Ellie and I am here with Harmony. Harmony is our shame no more bear. Harmony is our representation of the shame that often resides within us, and I've had people say are you a kids podcast? No podcast, no, but um, you know it's. Harmony is really here just to help us understand and externalize this thing that we sometimes beat ourselves up with. You know, making us black, blue, purple, and shame is something that I've struggled with so much in my life is why I talk about it so much. And so Harmony is just here as a representation, as a very cute representation, that we should love ourselves and really not be stuck in this shame cycle. So, as you can see, I am going. I have my shame quiz here. I offer this free on my website, eleanorbrowncounselingcom, and we will drop in the show notes the link to actually sign up to get this shame quiz.

Eleanor: 2:38

I'm going to kind of walk you through just a little bit of this today, just because I want you to understand what's in it and how you can use it as a healing tool for yourself. I really believe that healing, I first have to understand why I'm struggling. So what is it? Where are my struggle areas? I'm struggling. So what is it? Where are my struggle areas? So shame leaves a lasting impact and we can start our healing journey by recognizing what that is.

Eleanor: 3:18

So when you first open the shame quiz and it talks about some of the things that shame is the negative self-talk. Sometimes when we want to hide shame, if you want to hide something, chances are you may be some kind of shame about that something. So we often have emotional reactions, strong emotional reactions to feelings of shame, intense anger, sadness, anxiety, when we disconnect from others. I can think of times where I just really wanted to kind of go into a closet and stay there all by myself, just because I didn't want to face judgment from people, because I felt so dirty. So that's a little bit about kind of how shame may impact us.

Eleanor: 4:24

Shame is if you don't know what shame is. Shame is that feeling I am bad, I am something wrong. Guilt, on the other hand, says I've done something wrong. So we do things, we make mistakes, we're human and we're human and you know, sometimes maybe I forgot to look both ways and I pulled out and there was a car accident and I can recognize that that was something I want to improve right, I don't want to go around causing car accidents. I don't know why that example popped in my head, but so I can work on improving that and work on my ability to stay present without beating myself up. If I beat myself up, I'm never going to drive again, so you know, I can just really go down a rabbit hole with beating myself up. So that's what we want to understand the difference between shame and guilt, and so this quiz will help start that process.

Eleanor: 5:39

So tells a little bit about me. Talks about me Bella you can see her in the background. She often is hanging out in the therapy office and she likes to sit back there and sleep. Every once in a while she'll come up here and talk to us, especially if she feels like there's somebody that needs some little extra special love. She's really, really good at sensing emotional distress, and so I love that about her.

Eleanor: 6:11

But anyway, so there's a little bit about us, and here is the shame quiz. There are 12 questions, and we rate them on a scale of one through five, and there are things like how often do you feel the need to be perfect in order to be accepted or loved by others? In order to be accepted or loved by others, I can think of times where I just kept trying to make sure I had just the right makeup, just the right. You know, whatever it is, you know I wanted to be all things to all people so that I would be loved, and I do not struggle with that as much anymore. You know there's still times that I'm like, oh, what if they don't like me, what if I, uh. But you know there's when you're in the thick of it. You don't always think of the examples that you want to think of, and I should have thought of some of those before I started this recording. But I can remember people not returning my phone calls and what did I do wrong? And often times they were just busy with life. Because life likes and you know, we sometimes in our shame spirals, we sometimes make things all about us when they're not necessarily all about us. They're, uh, they could be that somebody else is dealing with life and so they may not have time to return your phone call or connect with you, and so that that is just a little mini example.

Eleanor: 8:13

How often do you feel isolated or disconnected from others? You can see a lot of these are in relationship, even when you're surrounded by people. So sometimes, even in a crowd of people, I can feel very isolated, very alone. Maybe I don't feel seen, I don't feel heard and it's not that I need to feel seen or heard to be okay. But I can feel like if they knew the real me, if they knew who I was, maybe they really wouldn't like me. And maybe they would In that example of being in a crowded room and feeling all alone. Some of the things that might be going through my head if I'm really struggling with shame is if they really knew me, they wouldn't want me here in this room, um, or don't say anything. If I'm, especially if I'm meeting somebody new, I might say oh, you'll sound stupid.

Eleanor: 9:13

One of the things I really struggled with and I'm pretty sure I know I've done a blog on it and we've probably done a podcast on it at some point but this thing where I struggled with even speaking, I would start sentences, my kids would finish them for me, would start sentences, my kids would finish them for me. But the thing that was happening was I was hearing a voice, this voice of shame in my head, that says that sounds really stupid, don't say that out loud, or what you just said was so stupid. I can't believe that. Why did you say that and it would be playing, or just you know, shut, somebody else could say it better. All of these things used to play around, so I really struggled with even being able to speak out loud because people wouldn't want to hear what I had to say. I struggled with that. Often, even in podcasting, I'll be like, oh no, don't Did you say that right, and I'll play it back over and over again. I'm like I I don't hear where, um, you know where this might be beneficial, and so I may tell myself those things, and so I've gotten much better about that over the years.

Eleanor: 10:33

But those are the kind of things that we really struggle with when we're dealing with shame, and so this shame quiz will help us really see what areas we're struggling with. And so when we, when we recognize what areas we're really struggling with, something that we do is we really try to help you understand your results. And you know, is the shame I'm struggling with? Is this like normal? We all deal with shame, but it becomes toxic when it's an extreme level of shame. So where am I? Where do I land in that? I would say at one point I was extremely impacted by shame. I would say now there's still an impact on my life with shame. However, it's much more diminished now than it was before. So this page really helps you understand your results and then we talk about and each one of the areas gives us little tips. I went away from it before I was supposed to, but each one of these areas gives us little tips. It gives us a psychological insight and some spiritual insight and some tips on how we can improve or take one step further along in our healing journey. So when we understand, or when we kind of get that score, we can really understand and where the impact like I said, the impact that shame has on us, you we have these encouragements and this uh and these therapy tips here that will help you.

Eleanor: 12:37

It may be that you need more. You know, once I've become aware, I understand that there's more that I need to help in my healing journey. It may be that you need to seek a therapist. There's a wonderful site called Psychology Today that you can really look for a therapist a therapist that will accept your insurance that that may, when you, they may align with kind of what you want. Some people are specifically looking for a therapist that might align with their let's say, maybe their Christian beliefs, and so you may find that on the psychology today they have. They have filters there so you can look for someone. It may be that you might feel more comfortable talking to a man versus a woman, or more comfortable talking to a woman versus a man, more comfortable talking in person versus telehealth, so you can look up all of that stuff on psychology today website. There's other therapy directories out there as well, so there's ways to find help. If you need help, you can always contact me at EleanorBrownCounselingcom. I have a contact me there and if I don't have availability I can always help you find somebody, especially if I'm not in your area. I am licensed to counsel in the state of Texas and the state of Florida, so there's that All right. So the very last page is I don't think it's the very last page, but it is the very last page of the workbook but it really is just some ideals of ways that you can keep going.

Eleanor: 14:30

I think I talk about my books. You can see the books in the background. If you're listening to us on audio you might not be able to see them. It's a better way to heal integrating faith and psychology to heal inner winds.

Eleanor: 14:44

This is the first book I wrote and out of this book I learned a lot, and that's why I wrote the second book, the Companion Guide. It can go with it or it can stand on its own. And those are just two things. There's also something I'm super, super proud of. I just recently released the Shame Workbook. It really helps us integrate all the steps that I've learned from writing the first two books. The better framework that I developed from writing those books and the better it's an acronym better is begin to notice, educate and explore, take down the walls, transformation, establish and empower and then rise up in resilience. So it takes those steps and it really helps you work through issues of shame and overcoming shame. I'm very proud of it. It's 52 small pages and it is available digital download under ten dollars. I wanted to keep it super, super inexpensive because I really want to be able to make it available to everyone. So that's all the time we're going to take for today.

Eleanor: 16:02

I am appreciate you watching or listening to our episode today and thank you for letting me talk to you about the shame quiz and walking you through that and walking you through that Again. If you want to sign up and get our shame quiz. It's EleanorBrownCounselingcom. I'll put the link in the show notes. Connect with us. Sign up for our newsletter. I have this Wellness Wednesday. I like to send out every Wednesday just a little something to help with your healing journey. We're always doing things. I'm always wanting to promote healing. I really believe that hurt people, hurt people and yet free people, free people. So that's where I operate from.

Eleanor: 17:09

I like to use visuals because I think visuals help us. We need more than one way of learning, and this is just one way of learning for me. I can look and externalize so that shame no longer lives in me. I can actually I can look and externalize so that shame no longer lives in me. It is something that I deal with, but it's external, so it's just a visual representation. So, all right, I think that's all I have for today. So thank you for watching. All right, bye-bye, see you next time. Thank you for watching us. We really appreciate you being here. If you enjoyed the episode, like, subscribe, share with a friend and join us next time. Thank you, bye-bye.