A Better Way to Heal: Where Faith Meets Therapy
Co-hosted by Licensed Professional Counselor and author Eleanor L. Brown and Isamary Nieves Banks, A Better Way to Heal dives into the transformative connection between faith and therapy. Inspired by Elly’s book, A Better Way: Integrating Faith and Psychology to Heal Inner Wounds, this podcast goes beyond the pages to explore how emotional healing and spiritual growth go hand in hand.
Elly and Isa offer honest conversations that dispel the myth that faith and therapy are incompatible. Through real-life stories, biblical insights, and practical guidance, they help listeners navigate healing from inner wounds, build resilience, and deepen their relationship with Christ. Whether you’re healing from trauma, seeking personal growth, or looking for faith-based tools, this podcast provides support and encouragement for your journey.
Start your path to healing with a signed copy of A Better Way: Integrating Faith and Psychology to Heal Inner Wounds orA Better Way: The Companion Guide – Your 8-Week Path to Healing. They work well individually, but for full impact, get them both.
Visit www.eleanorbrowncounseling.com.
A Better Way to Heal: Where Faith Meets Therapy
Grieving Your Way: Three Things You Don't Need to Do
Grief does not come with a rulebook. Yet society often places unspoken expectations that make the journey even harder. In this episode of A Better Way to Heal, cohosts Elly and Isa share three things you do not need to do while grieving, from pretending you are fine to following a strict timeline.
They begin by challenging the pressure to care for everyone else while neglecting your own emotional needs. Drawing from personal stories and biblical wisdom, they explore how well meaning friends can unintentionally make someone’s grief about themselves. With compassion, they offer practical guidance on creating boundaries and honoring your own healing process, as well as insights for supporters who want to truly help without adding to the mental load.
The conversation deepens as Elly and Isa dismantle the myth that grief must look a certain way. Vulnerability, they explain, requires discernment, but acknowledging your true emotions creates authentic connections. They emphasize that emotions will ebb and flow. Feeling okay one day and overwhelmed the next is part of the process, not a failure.
Perhaps most freeing is their discussion of timelines. They explain why the five stages of grief were never meant to be sequential steps, illustrating through personal stories of losing their mothers how grief can resurface unexpectedly years or even decades later. They also point to biblical examples like Jesus grieving Lazarus and John the Baptist to show that even perfect faith does not erase sorrow, but it does provide hope within the pain.
Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship, an unfulfilled dream, or even lamenting the state of the world, this conversation offers permission to grieve authentically and gently.
Connect with us on Social Media or Visit our website!
Website: eleanorbrowncounseling.com/
Facebook URL: facebook.com/EleanorBrownCounseling/
Instagram URL: instagram.com/eleanorbrowncounseling/
Bookstore: eleanorbrowncounseling.com/store
Don't pretend that you're fine when you're not. It's okay. That goes back to that vulnerable piece. It's okay to be vulnerable, it's okay. Now again, not everyone is safe. So we want to make sure the person we're being vulnerable with is safe, but if I'm not okay, you don't, I mean I'm not going to. I'm not going to pretend that I'm okay, so don't pretend that you're okay. Take time for yourself. I mean a lot of these kind of play hand in hand.
Speaker 1:You know, you don't have to kind of in that vein. You don't have to pretend like you're okay. You don't have to do things that you don't want to do. You can take care of you. Take time to take care of you.
Speaker 2:Yes, pretending is important. It's okay to not be okay and it's okay to let people know, hey, I'm not okay. But there isn't anything I can think of right now for you to do for me right now, other than give space to not be okay.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Hello everybody, and welcome to A Better Way to Heal, where faith meets therapy. Hello everybody, I am Ellie and I'm Issa, and you are here for another episode of A Better Way to Heal. Today we're really going to talk about three things that you don't have to do while grieving.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I mean. We always talk about things we have to do and sometimes avoiding certain things or not doing anything is the solution Very biblical, to be still and know, but in this case, let's find out what things we should be doing.
Speaker 1:Right, right, so the very number one thing. I get this all the time, and I was just watching one of my old, old, probably 90s shows, right, maybe, maybe 2010, ish, anyway, I was just watching an older show and the one of the people, one of the characters, lost their father and they're so busy taking care of everyone else they're not taking care of themselves. And so I would say the first thing is you don't have to take care of everybody around you. You know the grief in your in a manner that makes sense for you, don't? You know, don't? Um, of course it's different when we're a mother. We're taking care of our children, but take time to grieve your loss yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Um, it's very interesting because today in bible study we were kind of addressing that in a different perspective. Um, I have a friend that their son went through a very bad accident recently and we have very similar personalities in the way of handling strong emotions.
Speaker 2:We are a bit stoic in the middle of grief or in the middle of hardship and we don't truly break down until we've processed it with action, and that's just. We're very aware of that. So it kind of helped be her buffer during that time. But there was this incident that that's part of what we're trying to protect ourselves from.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and where friends were offended, that she didn't reach out for help, and I know it's with the best intentions. We have some amazing friends that really want to be there with us. Sometimes it's a lot to process. So, for instance, I can be very strong in the face of my child being in the hospital and do what I got to do, change him, do all the physical activities to perfection. But in that same day you can ask me what do you want to eat? And that will be the thing that breaks me.
Speaker 2:that decision will be the thing that makes me fall apart. So, um, sometimes friends with the best intentions, not knowing, make it about themselves and I know that during grief that is something you know from the perspective of a friend. Don't do that. Don't go to your friend why don't you call me? I would have been there for you and you make it. You will become offended at how they didn't make their grief about your comfort and that's something you have to be mindful.
Speaker 1:I just thought of it because, oh, yeah, absolutely yeah, yeah, we really have to be careful that we're taking care of ourselves not taking care of other people and, for those, our loved ones. We definitely want our loved ones to know and you know, one of the things that drives me probably a little batty is hearing people say, well, god just needed another angel. Or they took your loved one home before you know because they were out of pain. But the problem is is that I'm still in pain right.
Speaker 1:And so just be careful about the things that you say. Don't make the grief about you. I shouldn't have to take care of you. Please don't make me take care of you if. I lose a loved one, that's so. I mean that's number one Don't, don't, don't, Don't. Take care of other people, Care for yourself. I mean, of course, like I said, your mother, or something like that. It's natural that we're going to want to take care of our children but make sure we take time to care for ourselves.
Speaker 2:Correct, correct, and then sometimes, on the other end, that might look like being vulnerable enough to reach out to somebody that you know will respect your boundaries well, because you're going to have to guard yourself.
Speaker 2:On the do side, you're going to have to kind of guard that peace that you're trying to attain and that space for grieving, and not everybody around us, not all of our friends or family, can handle us grieving the way we need to grieve. So make sure you have that person that can understand that and protect us. So don't be afraid to say I need this time for myself and don't be afraid to make that circle even smaller for the people that can maybe care for like things in your home or children, if you have young children.
Speaker 2:While you process what you have to process Absolutely, absolutely. What other don'ts do we have?
Speaker 1:Don't pretend that you're fine when you're not, it's okay. That goes back to that vulnerable piece. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay. Now, again, not everyone is safe, so we want to make sure the person will being vulnerable with is safe. But if I'm not okay, you don't, I mean I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna pretend that I'm okay, so don't pretend that you're okay. Make time for yourself. I mean a lot of these kind of play hand in hand.
Speaker 1:You know you don't have to kind of in that vein. You don't have to pretend like you're okay. You don't have to do things that you don't want to do. You can take care of you. Take time to take care of you yes, um, pretending is important, it's.
Speaker 2:It's okay to not be okay and it's okay to let people know hey, I'm not okay. But there isn't anything I can think of right now for you to do for me right now, other than give me the space to not be okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sometimes that's the most we can say, yeah, and and again I kind of feel led to also, while she's addressing what not to do, while you're grieving for those well-intended friends and family, to understand that that moment really isn't about you and your feelings kind of regulate yourself, to understand that this person is trying to process emotions and feelings and that the best thing that we can do sometimes is allow them to. And I think of Job, um, his friend sat with him at first.
Speaker 1:Isn't that a great example. Oh yeah, seven days they were the best friends in the world.
Speaker 2:They sat with them and then it got to a point where it was too much for them, so they were forcing, like, hurry up and do what you got to do to the other person whenever we feel compelled to do that. And it might be time for us, as these friends that have been supported, to go find a space to grieve and heal ourselves. Yes, before we start wounding somebody. Yeah, um, so maybe rotation, sure yeah, there is caretaker fatigue, that is a thing yeah, um, and when people are grieving, that can happen, of course.
Speaker 2:It's not about enabling. It's not like when, when our friends are depressed or whatever, there might be things that we can do to it kind of encourage healthier things. But during the grieving process there is a time for that. There is a time for it's okay that they haven't gone out of bed today it is it really is just bring them food to bed, put it next to the nightstand quietly and walk away.
Speaker 1:I like what you're saying about checking yourself. You know, I think of the saying check yourself before you wreck yourself. You know, really honestly, we, we. When somebody has lost something that's very important to them, someone very important to them, the worst thing that we can do is make it about us. So we want to support our, the person that we care about. And when they've lost something, someone, they don't have the capacity. A lot of times we say what can I do for you?
Speaker 2:They might not have the capacity to tell you To respond, yeah, to answer, and that in itself is mental load. It's a mental load, yeah. So if you see a need, meet the need quietly, you know, like bring food, have somebody deliver food, you know, and that can even sometimes be overwhelming. But just kind of like think passively, don't add another task to this person, that whose nervous system and mental load is already overloaded. Create space so that all they have to worry about in a certain period of time is healing.
Speaker 1:One of the things that I like to do with I don't like to do, but one of the things that I do with people that are grieving especially immediately is what's the one thing that we have to focus on? Let's focus on things one at a time, because there's too many things that you have to.
Speaker 1:You have to pay the lights or the rent or the, you know just taking things being very, very, very practical. Yeah, bottom, you know, meeting Maslow's hierarchy of needs making sure that food, water, shelter. Once you've done that, then we can try to just. Sometimes it is just being there and sitting with someone, but don't force someone to be okay to fit your timeline Correct, and that really brings us into the third one.
Speaker 1:Yes, you know there is, everyone has a specific order. We hear the five steps, the stages of grieving, and actually when she created these, she didn't anticipate that they would be. Oh, you have to do one, two, three, four and five. No, it can be in any order.
Speaker 1:I could be very angry at first at first, or I could be in denial at first, or I can have a sense of acceptance at first and I can go through all five in five minutes and that's okay and repeat absolutely yeah, whenever you think okay, I think I've grieved, I feel well enough to go to the store.
Speaker 2:You go to the store and then all of a sudden, the smell of a perfume or a song plays, that absolutely takes you back to the deepest part of your grief and sadness, and sorrow and anger and denial and, and that is also okay grieving doesn't really have a timeline no it really doesn't, and I know we're talking and addressing it, grieving like a person.
Speaker 2:right, but grief is not just the death of someone or the loss of a relationship. Grief can be a dream. Unfulfilled Grief can be I mean, it could be something you never had. You can grieve something you never actually had because our minds could be dreaming and desiring things that are very real to us, very tangible, very important, and we can grieve that. And me personally, I'm in a season where I am grieving our world, state of our world, our country, how people are treating each other. I grieve daily for that.
Speaker 2:And that is a form of grief that a lot of us right now are carrying some in silence, some unable to even go to people at church and say man, I know Jesus is coming and I know we have victory and I know there is a promise. I know this, but it still hurts, it's still sad, it's still scary, it's still depressing to watch the world be the way that they're being and feeling impotent in it, and that's part of the process yeah yeah absolutely so.
Speaker 1:Basically the thing that to think about when you have, uh, when you've lost someone you know, uh, he's trying to get some word in yes absolutely uh, but when you've lost someone, you know, just really.
Speaker 1:You don't have to care for other people during this time. You know, take care of yourself, don't pretend that you're OK when you're not. I mean, if you're OK, you're OK, and you may be OK today and tomorrow. You're not, and that's OK. You don't have to grieve in any certain order. And one of the things I like to think about, there's a sixth stage of grief. Well, actually, depending on what model you watch there, there can be up to eight stages, but the one that, to me, means the most of the meaning making.
Speaker 1:You know when I'm able to make meaning of this you know, losing my mother was so hard for me and even knowing that she was in pain, knowing that she was in a better place, I was with her at the very end and I got to watch her cross over. And I had a beautiful friend that painted this picture for me of Jesus taking her in his hand and taking her dancing, and I mean it was a beautiful picture, didn't make me miss her anymore.
Speaker 2:I mean any less.
Speaker 1:This year has been 10 years, and so when you hit those significant milestones, it really it's another step in that grieving process we talk about. Well, aren't you over this yet? No, and that's okay. I will always have the loss of my mother as a part of my life and there will be firsts that impact us and one of the things that we can do, one of the do's- is we can create new traditions.
Speaker 1:And my mother the only poem that we have of my mother's was my Unique Autumn Leaf and it's such a beautiful poem and she used to write such beautiful poetry. And it all got destroyed. I don't know what happened to it.
Speaker 2:But it's gone.
Speaker 1:But I have that and a lot of my pottery, a lot of my. I like the imagery of the leaf. Just because it keeps my mother close to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah that's beautiful.
Speaker 1:And in my case.
Speaker 2:I lost my mother when I was three and have very vague, faint memories of her cooking breakfast, that kind of stuff, kind of like point fleeting memories, and of course I have photos, um, but it's been obviously 43 years. Yeah, 43 years since.
Speaker 2:I haven't had my mother and there's mother's days where it hits me. You know it hits me and this, this past mother's day, was very hard and I haven't had that feeling and that grief and that missing her in a long time. Sometimes it comes with my children like I wish she was here for advice or I wish she was just here being a part of this. And I know I know God, you know she died a believer, she, you know, serving and loving God and loving people. That's the memory of people that knew her. Just tell me how loving she was. So I know this and there's a peace and a hope that comes from it. Of course I'm not diminishing what scripture said, but it's also a reality that she isn't here right now. And the biggest example I can have of that is jesus himself, with both john and lazarus. So jesus knew he was resurrecting lazarus and he was grieving. I don't know exactly. Some people say he was grieving people's reactions, some people he was grieving anyway and like, what he was grieving is irrelevant to the fact that Jesus wept and he was grieving his own potential cross Because even though he knew that was what he came here to do, even though he knew there was going to be victory. Even though he knew he would resurrect, he still asked the Father if this can pass, if this doesn't have to be this way, please let it be so, so that emotion is normal.
Speaker 2:And then John, when John was beheaded and John the Baptist was beheaded, he had just made the miracle with the 5,000, but he went into solitude. He told the disciples to stay behind. Of course, the crowd to stay behind. It was too much for him to not process it and he got in the boat and went to be with his father. And he went to be to his father, probably to talk his flesh into understanding all the things that he had to process, like I'll see him in heaven again.
Speaker 2:But he could have still been sad because john died for his sake. That's something he could have grieved like. It was a terrible. He was beheaded like you know. It wasn't like it was, you know. Yeah, he was asleep and praying and he was in prison for many months and then he was murdered, and all of it for his sake. So I am. I don't know what Jesus told the father is not written what he told the father while he was grieving John, but he did grieve him. It says he did grieve him and he spent the entire day on his own talking to the father. But I could imagine if I had that burden of me feeling guilty for that. I would be like you know, processing. He did this for me. Am I really, you know, the enemy probably speaking into his? Are you really god? And he just died for you, are you?
Speaker 2:really the son I mean think about it, I like to put myself in other people's shoes and, even though I can't 100% say that's what he thought, that's what the enemy does to us so I can relate in that way, and that's the whole point of Jesus. We have an example that we can relate to of what perfection in God's eyes actually looks like. It's not perfection in our eyes, right. It's perfections in the eyes of God.
Speaker 1:Yes, so, um, we hope you got something out of this episode. Uh, you know we, we really are doing this so that we can help people be free from some of the things that we struggle with. You know, we, uh, I want to say especially in the Christian world we really think that we're supposed to behave one way, and that's not really what the word says, and so we want to be able to give you a tool that you can use.
Speaker 1:We have many, many, many tools on the website that we have on a better way guide that really can help you process things that you've been through. So I encourage you to go out on the website and download that resource. We'll put that in the show notes for you. We also talk a lot about shame. We didn't talk much about shame today, but there's a certain amount of shame that we have. I should be over this already. Why is this still? And I know people that have lost children. I don't know how you move on from that.
Speaker 2:Decades. I have a friend that's been decades and she breathes and that's okay, and she can breathe in front of us and she can cry for as long as she needs to, and he would have been 30 something years old now. So there is no time, right.
Speaker 1:Absolutely, and there's no shame. I mean, there is shame, we feel it and yet you know the Bible doesn't shame us for that. It's the world that does that. So let's not shame, let's not shame ourselves, let's not shame someone else for their process. So thank you for watching today Thank you Until next time, all right.
Speaker 2:Bye-bye, bye. Live a better way. So here we are, sitting on the set of A Better Way and we want to invite you all to subscribe so that you see the following episodes and also leave some feedback. We are growing. You can go back and look at our other videos and we're still trying to grow. The reality is we're super concerned and motivated by the content, but we accept your feedback so that we can grow and get this out to more people.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely absolutely so, all right. So if you like what you what you hear or what you see just depending on whether you're watching or listening um, please like, subscribe. Leave us a comment. We don't always get the comment notifications, so I'm trying to do better at that. So if you've ever left a comment and I didn't respond, my apologies.
Speaker 2:Try to tag us If you're on social media, tag either Ellie or myself or A Better Way. We both get A Better Way notifications, so that way we can see it. If you're on youtube, try to go to the facebook page and find us. We will probably see that before we see any youtube comments. But either way, please comment and leave feedback, or you can email ellie with any um feedback, any concerns, any topics that you would like to discuss related to shame, grief and just essentially healing from trauma. Please give us your feedback and let us know.
Speaker 1:Thank you for watching us. We really appreciate you being here. If you enjoyed the episode, like, subscribe, share with a friend and join us next time. Thank you, bye, bye.
%20(1).png)
