SPEAKER_01: 0:00

uh together traditions. Um instead of dysfunction, it replaces that conflict and chaos with uh with people connecting. So instead of disconnecting, moving towards connecting, gathering around something creative like baking cookies or making ornaments or something that you can do together, having a joji break on test.

SPEAKER_02: 0:25

Yes, crafts, depending on like what things your family finds creative. It could even be a board game. But a board game that just kind of causes interaction and communication. I can see that I know sometimes I take that for granted of how bonding it can be to do board games because you feel your kids are getting older.

SPEAKER_00: 0:44

But they all remember it fondly most of the time my 17 year old is the one that wants to be playing board games and she's very much of like can we sit around as a family and do this and hello everybody and welcome to a better way to heal where faith meets therapy.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02

All right. Hello everybody I am Ellie and I'm Isa and you are watching another uh episode of A Better Way to heal where Faith Meets Therapy yes and this is our podcast. Yes we're excited to share what we have for you today. Yes absolutely so you know we talk a little about a lot of heavy stuff. And last year when we were getting a little closer to the holidays we talked about ways uh that you could deal with your family especially when there's a lot of dysfunction in your family. I don't remember the title of that episode right off the top top of my head but we'll put that in the show uh in the show notes or um put a little shout out right here a link to that episode or something. But we you know we talked a lot about how our families can be very dysfunctional. But you know we wanted to do something a little fun a little different this year. Yes. So I want to talk about ways creative ways because I like being creative I want to talk about creative ways that we can uh replace dysfunction with connection yeah because it's all about it was we do our best feeling when we are connected to others so um what are some of your favorite holiday traditions?

SPEAKER_02: 2:26

Well one of my favorite uh in Thanksgiving so if we're thinking Thanksgiving is definitely gathering around the food I still believe that's like important in sitting down and actually making it fancier than normal and it's fancy I don't mean the food extravagant just making it more formal like we actually sit down use the nice plates and things like that. That's for uh Thanksgiving. For Christmas um I like to open one present the night before and then the rest of the presents the morning the the morning of Christmas um so Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and that we're all in our PJs when we open August.

SPEAKER_01: 3:05

Okay okay yeah well for Christmas Eve for me uh the entire family comes and we open presents and we have a traditional Italian meal and we play games and we just have a lot of fun we have a gingerbread uh contest that we do every year gingerbread man and I I don't know I think we have family members that cheat. I don't know the judges I don't know I never win so uh yeah and that's rigged. Yeah it it really is um uh but uh I don't know that we really have a tradition per se Thanksgiving usually looks a little different every year you know we we do different things throughout the uh throughout the years but I have three different ways traditions that you can bring in and I am going to well a couple of these I already do and one of these I really want to try so I might let you at the end guess which one is which okay okay um gratitude and story nine uh this is an attempt to replace some of the um sometimes we can be a little critical a little gossipy but you know maybe creating a time where we can just uh tell a story you know sitting around the campfire telling a story and having some gratitude and I have a one of my granddaughters uh started this tradition so I guess you could say that was one of our traditions where we had to tell one thing for the year that we were grateful for and she had some caveats around it that I don't really remember at the moment but it it's just I really love the thing of the the thing that we are grateful for and it can't be the same as what somebody else is saying at the table. So uh thinking about a story that you could share that would be almost building you know how you can go around a room and build a story and adding a gratitude to it a piece to it with each place would be one way of doing this.

SPEAKER_02: 5:20

Is the story something you've experienced together or it's individual stories?

SPEAKER_01: 5:25

You know that could be that could be another flavor you know do we could do one that we've experienced together or we could build on stories.

SPEAKER_02: 5:37

I think a safe way of doing it too because you know when we're talking about family dynamics there might be some stories that you feel that you can share that are traumatic to other people and in the spirit of keeping things non-dysfunctional because there's a place to air that out and a place to don't I think it would be neat to to add to that tradition um going around the room and somebody mentioning their favorite family story. So that way we're all kind of like understanding and then add to that with gratitude. Oh yeah I remember that day but actually my favorite part was this but the whole point is to find something positive about that experience correct?

SPEAKER_01: 6:12

Absolutely yes so really when uh when we're group leaders when we have groups like you have a Bible study I have a uh a group that meets in my church one of the things that we do is that we try to twist not twist but reframe negativity and that could happen even in this type of a game or tradition or in a story night yeah it can become negative and we if we can try to shift that or reframe that that is a way of you know turning that negativity into something positive.

SPEAKER_02: 6:54

Yeah absolutely so the next one is creating to uh together traditions um instead of dysfunction it replaces that conflict and chaos with uh with people connecting so instead of disconnecting moving towards connecting gathering around something creative like baking cookies or making ornaments or something that you can do together having a gingerbread contest yes crafts depending on like what things your family finds creative it could even be a board game but a board game that just causes interaction and communication I can see that I know sometimes I take that for granted of how bonding it can be to do board games because you feel your kids are getting older um but they all remember it fondly most of the time my 17 year old is the one that wants to be playing board games and she's very much of like can we sit around as a family and do this and she if it were up to her we would do everything together you know kind of a thing. So it it's a way of honoring that that desire.

SPEAKER_01: 8:05

Yeah and being creative together is a a it's a bonding and it it replaces any kind of dysfunction with collaboration when you when when you do it well. We we struggle sometimes with doing things well and so finding ways of reframing having grace for one another and compassion even for ourselves and you know God is really a a creative God and uh and when we are being his representations you know leaning into that creativity that's really the highest form it's um if we look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs uh creativity is right up there with that self-actualization on top of the pyramid.

SPEAKER_02: 8:50

Yeah and creativity isn't always drawing or painting everybody can contribute in different ways sometimes people have creative ideas even if they don't have the execution for the painting so maybe somebody in the family can come up with the concept because they're extremely creative and then another person creative imagination and then another person can bring it to life with their talent and their art artistry.

SPEAKER_01: 9:15

So the third one is memory making uh creating memory making rituals and that this could be um like lighting candles or for a loved one that you've lost or um doing crafty type things or creating a a a scrapbook maybe of your year or uh writing prayers together or writing a letter I I get a letter from someone that tells me about their their year.

SPEAKER_02: 9:47

Writing that collaboratively together yes and um and also those memories maybe it's tied to something like we our core memories that I can think of with the kids involved outdoors. A lot of them do like the beach or the river but it also and it involves like certain emotions and I think at least from my perspective and I'm gonna bring that to the kids so that I actually know what their perspective is um laughter.

SPEAKER_01: 10:16

I can when I think about it something that evokes laughter whether it's watching something funny talking about something funny being silly dancing playing music a lot of those memories when the kids go back to it that's what they remember the most moments that made them laugh absolutely yeah yeah you know um God's mercies are new every day and when we or every morning and when we lean into that together as a family it can really help bring uh bonding and healing and so finding ways of using this memory making ritual to really create uh memories and every day you know it's kind of like it's a new mercy of the day.

SPEAKER_02: 10:58

Yeah I agree and then sometimes we take that for granted particularly when we're struggling and don't want to get dark but we tend to avoid things like that because it kind of can feel like triggering but what Ellie's talking about is essentially creating new things and giving you opportunity and variety to create those moments without it being overwhelming. Something simple that doesn't cost you money that you can do from home that you can maintain and sustain and be consistent with and allowing others to kind of like express themselves through that I think it's very important. I think it's so much harder now in the way that we live because everybody's busy most of us work outside of the home both parents work outside of the home a lot of kids are in sports and different activities and it can become hectic. But choosing a time of year choosing a time of the week choosing a time of the month to say no this this day we're gonna do something together. And of course aligning to your personality and your home character and these are great ideas but it might not sound familiar to you this is just the concept of find something that you can gather around that does not attract dysfunction that does not involve the things that you all struggle with but it can present the positive side of the family.

SPEAKER_01: 12:18

Yes. Uh in that vein it a couple months ago my grandson came for uh my husband's birthday party and he and I ended up out in the pottery shed and I was teaching him how to throw pottery and that I mean if you think about a memory making I will the first time he ever threw pottery uh to my knowledge was with me and he leaned into it and he loved it and just being able to share that is a bonding thing that you know we haven't been able to have and he's a young teenager or I'd say young teenager he's an adult now in college I can't even believe I have two grandchildren in college but uh yeah so it was really it's a way of bonding something that we haven't been able to bond over before. So that was really good.

SPEAKER_02: 13:10

And you see it's in little things like that. And sometimes we feel like maybe we need to exclude people from that because it's something that we use but it might be the thing that brings you closer to somebody.

SPEAKER_01: 13:22

Yeah so I mean as we wrap this up I really want to share that we don't have to stay tied in family dysfunction. You don't have to allow it to go forward. You can create rituals and uh connection opportunities and if you have dysfunctional uh family members uh you know maybe maybe you can see them one off or maybe maybe I don't have to spend the holidays with them this year or maybe I can limit the time and we talked a lot about that in that prior episode that we're gonna share in the show notes but you know just really finding ways to bring joy into the because you know the world is full of enough pain yeah if we could just find you know just one more thing to bring joy into our lives.

SPEAKER_02: 14:14

Yeah absolutely and um and honestly give yourself some grace. If an event or something you put together ends up triggering something because we don't know in a family do not then be discouraged to try again another way to try and connect a different way sometimes those things might bring um issues that need addressing but do not let it block you or discredit you know discourage you from um approaching and looking for unity in your household especially if you have young ones and you have um kids still in your life you know yeah yeah so as we wrap up and uh we start to close I do want to share that I do talk a lot about um recognizing uh these dysfunctional family patterns in my book a better way uh integrating faith in psychology to heal inner wounds and you can find that on my website uh I talk a lot about a lot of different things I have a lot of resources and things like that we've uh done uh multiple uh podcasts dealing with dysfunction dealing with trauma dealing with anxiety depression faith and integration uh so check us out like subscribe do all the things uh do you have anything that you want to add before we wrap it up no um other than it's giving me ideas I'm like what I I was really introspectively thinking what new thing have we done lately we have our traditions that we've done for a while and it's not that I have to eliminate that but how can I just rearrange things as my kids are getting older and um and it's great. It just allows us to refresh that instead of uh kind of like a stale feeling like oh here we go again you know and it making it chore I think it's exciting to do something new that could open up the doors to goodness and new mercies and all the good things I challenged you to uh to see which one of the two that I do and the third one that I want to add.

SPEAKER_00: 16:13

Yes okay I take it because Fridays are usually kind of like our family night so perfect yeah perfect time to try all right well thank you for watching thank you bye bye thank you for watching us we really appreciate you being here if you enjoyed the episode a like subscribe share with a friend and join us next time thank you bye bye